Living in the moment.

I've been trying to discern what it is that motivates me. As in, a core theme. As I look back on my transient childhood, having moved around a great deal (San Diego, Guam, and back!), there is one thing that I yearn for.

Stability.

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT someone who looks on his childhood and wishes for pity. I had amazing times as a kid. I had three teenage/young adult uncles who were/are some of the funniest people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. My grandfather is still my absolute benchmark for what it means to be a man in this world. Even though my father wasn't present in my life until I was a pre-teen, as I have grown older, I can now see that I got the better deal because of it. I was raised by a village of excellent, compassionate, loving people. But even in the middle of that huge family, there was chaos. At the center of it, a grandmother who loved us dearly but ultimately fell victim to her own toxic cacophony of alcoholism, emotional turmoil and chronic back pain. My own father's journey through substance abuse. Nine spouses between the two of my parents. Lots of love, but almost equal amounts of upheaval. It sowed within me a near-permanent unease. As much as I love those around me, I have always been someone who waited for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for some kind of dark event to come along and tear up whatever good thing was happening.

It's a hell of a way to live, and one thing that I am desperate to kick. I simply want to be able to feel the moment, relish it, and never look back or around the corner. Bad things in one's life are inevitable. Living in permanent worry offers power to things that haven't even happened.

So if I can make one change this year, it's abandoning this state of worry and simply going about my day with reckless, happy abandon, and simply dealing with the tough stuff when it goes down.