My buddy Guillermo and I went out for wings last night. We talked a lot about our jobs, lives, loves, past and present. There was one particular thing that occurred to us that we both found maddening.
The only thing that getting older and gaining more experience has taught us...is that we don't know shit. G and I both had the assumption that as massive mental giants and retail warlords of the cactuslands, that eventually, given enough time and experience, we would be able to navigate our lives like a hot knife through butter. By thirty-ish, we'd be masters of our domains. Expert swordsmen at the games of life.
All we have learned to this point is that people are infinitely complex. We learn more about ourselves, what makes us tick, what motivates us...but as people continue to grow and change, so does the landscape. It's a maddening unpredictability that still baffles even the best.
We both agreed that the people we have loved become a permanent part of us, as weaved into the fibers of our very being as any organ, bone, or heartfelt memory. But we split on one crucial point. G thought it best to simply leave those people you once loved completely alone. I have never, ever been able to do this. Even in the brutal aftermath of my first long-term relationship, I felt a need to simply know that my ex was OK, even though she hated me, even though every time I did get in touch with her it was painful and would make feel feel guilty for leaving all over again.
If someone is a permanent part of you, and you no longer associate with them, isn't that somewhat like being at war with yourself? It's as if you have drawn a line in the sand with something that once gave you comfort and strength, nailing down a defensive position against a piece of your own heart. How can that be good for you on a long enough timeline? Is it cowardice? Self-preservation? The smart thing to do?
Isn't life too short for this sort of thing? Aren't we supposed to embrace the better angels of our character? I like to think that I'm bigger than this sort of hurt, but the sad core fact here is that my hourglass of trust is shattered, and my confidence is still a battered, erratic pendulum. On a good day, I'm as happy as I have ever been. But as everyone knows, life has that way of serving up tiny little reminders of the people you have known, and the stronger the connection was, the more likely that is to happen. Little splinters abound.
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2 comments:
I am with Guillermo to an extent.
There are lots of people from the past I will stay in contact with but any I felt that betrayed my trust or my 'family's' trust are usually avoided at all costs.
I agree with the life being confusing part. Just when you think you have something figured out, a part of life turns into something totally different.
I'm afraid I may never adjust to life and have an ideal existence. All I can do is hope that things will eventually be somewhat stable for a period of time and I can find a little bit of happiness. I hope you will find that soon.
As for just letting go of people you loved, I'm fortunate that I haven't had a major conflict with a friend or family member. You know I haven't shared that sort of bond with a girl before, and I may never get that chance... but on the other side of the coin, maybe I'm fortunate not to have that sort of cross to bear.
I think it's admirable that you still keep up with your past love interests, even if it hurts you so much. I think if it's reciprocated and they want you around again, it may not be a bad thing. However, if it hurts you or the other person too much to the point where it will never be comfortable, maybe it's best to just let go and move on. It's not being cold IMO. It is true when they say it's the hardest thing to do... let go.
We are getting wiser, no doubt... but the game just gets harder every time. Maybe when we get very old, that's when we finally learn what life is all about. That's what I hope, anyway. I just hope there's a good ending for you, Guillermo and I.
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